Sometimes I think I don’t belong here. Sometimes I think I took the wrong path. Sometimes I think I’m not good enough. Sometimes I think I’m wrong. Sometimes I think I can do more. Sometimes I think I’m the victim. Sometimes I think I’m the aggressor. Sometimes I know I’m wrong. Sometimes I miss the old life. Sometimes I miss my childhood. Sometimes I miss bowling. Sometimes I miss it all. Sometimes I think I’m right… sometimes I know I’m right.
It’ll be 2 years in November since I moved out here to Utah. It’s been good for me in a lot of ways. I’ve discussed those in previous entries, like my ability to hold onto a job for over a year and a half, like the fact that I’m mostly responsible now. The fact that I have a truck, even if it isn’t the newest, best looking, or best running truck in the neighborhood. Still, sometimes I feel like running away. Well, maybe not running away, but going back home, using the skills I’ve acquired since I’ve moved out here. Making good on the things I’ve done here, and should have done back home. Maybe I should do a lot of things. I don’t know really. Sometimes though, I feel it more strongly than other times.
Apparently last night these thoughts worked their way into my dreams. I dreamed about someone I haven’t actually seen in person since about the third grade or so. Jennie, I had a crush on her back in grade school. Apparently I still harbor something, or my subconscious is trying to tell me I need to go back to a more simple place (I’m actually more prone to the latter idea). I drove to her place (clearly we’d both had grown since 3rd grade) and we started talking and it ended up with some kissing. It was really kind of annoying, and I know it won’t make some people happy. Although, I’m sure they’ve dreamed about other men. So it could be worse.
Then I had a conversation with a friend, asking me if I had thought about coming back home to Pittsburgh. I couldn’t lie, because I have thought about it. There are two things stopping me. One of those being the everpractical one, being money. I can’t afford to move back there (no matter how much I want to). The other, which I didn’t mention to my friend, is that I’m afraid. Afraid that I’ll fall back into the things that kept me from living up to my potential back there. I’m afraid of falling into the old traps. Relying on other people, I don’t like to do that, and it seems I still do that, but if I move back it could make it worse where I rely on everyone else and do nothing for myself. That scares me, and right now I can’t afford to fall back into old habits. So I’ll stay for now, and fight it out. See if something breaks one way or the other… and then, maybe I’ll come home… or I’ll stay here and build my empire in Salt Lake City.