I realized today that I’m a horrid person. Not so much as in how I treat people, but as in how little I have accomplished in my life. What’s worse is that the things that I have accomplished in my life were because other people have pushed me to do so, not because I wanted them bad enough to really make the changes myself. I nearly broke down in tears thinking about this earlier on tonight. The more I think about it, the more disgusted with myself I become. The worst part of this feeling is that I know it’s not enough of a trigger for me to make the things I did tonight commonplace. Even though I hate being around me when I get into one of my depression-rages, shit gets done.
I’m thirty, more than half way to thirty-one, and what do I have to show for all my time on earth? Not much. I ‘have’ a truck that the finance company still owns. I have an overprotective wiener dog named Patrick. I have a job that I tolerate even though I know that because of who I am, what I stand for, and my personality I won’t get farther than I am. I’ve taken nearly a semester of classes at DeVry and now I don’t even care about those. I have a fiancee who loves me, that is so far out of my league it’s ridiculous. I’ve done alright for someone who doesn’t have a clue as to what he really wants and has done just enough to get by.
I got to thinking, that I would probably be alright with myself if it were just me I have to worry about. I’m getting married in less than a year, and because my choices now affect more than just me I’m wondering if I’m good enough. Maybe I’m expecting too much from myself now, when I should have expected and went after more back when I had a lot of opportunities to change things. My problem has always been settling for just good enough. I’m still doing it now, and because I’m just settling for good enough I won’t get any farther than I am right now. I know that it’s all my fault. If it were just me, it’d be fine. I’m doing well enough to survive, but that’s about it.
Maybe I need to try to change myself. Since I’m the one who got myself into this mess, I have to get myself out. I need to put more effort forth in the places that matter most. Prove myself to the only people that matter to me. Myself, Tasha, my family. I firmly believe everyone is capable of at least one great thing, I know I am capable of at least three great things. Still, things don’t just happen. I have to work at it, I have to make the effort. I have to rebuild myself from the pathetic ‘person’ that I am, into the dynamic go-getter I should have been. I have the skills, I have the intelligence, and I have the charm. It’s a matter of putting in the effort required to get from here to there. I need help, I need motivation, and I need someone to remind me of what kind of man I can be. Maybe someone to to remind me of the man I am, to remind me that I am capable of more. Who knows maybe, it’ll lead me where I want to go. I have a lot of rebuilding to do. Every good builder has good people helping him… so won’t you help me.