I wasn’t always this way. I used to be positive, fun to be around, and even a little social. Something has changed, and I’m honestly not completely sure as to what. I mean there’s the whole engagement thing, but honestly I think I had changed before that happened. I still have moments when I’m like my old self, but they’re not as frequent as they once were. I’ve written a lot of stuff on this blog about how I need to change this, and I need to do that so that something else will get better. I’ve not accomplished nearly as much of it as I should have. In fact, a good portion of it I haven’t even attempted. That eats at me, but not enough for me to get moving and doing what I feel I need to be doing to get where I want to be.
I’ve got some good things in my life. I’ve got some things in my life that need to be improved. I know that to get where I want to go I have to put in the work. Still, I haven’t found the spark that will get my fires going to the point where I’ll do more than talk about what needs done and lay out these grand plans to do it. I haven’t found that yet, and honestly I’m not sure if I ever will. I’ve been doing some reading, and a lot of the things I know are going on with me match symptoms of depression. It wouldn’t completely surprise me if I were depressed. Then again, it could be the stress of everything that I thought I had under control spinning wildly out of control. Well… maybe not everything, but enough that throws most of what I had been working towards out of whack.
Could also just be that I’m burnt out. I mean, I’ve worked for Francini for over 2 years, which granted isn’t a whole lot of time, but I’ve rarely taken any real time off. Time where I could just relax and unwind. I took a few days off around my birthday, but I still had classes to take care of. So I didn’t really get a chance to completely unwind. I could probably use a week or two off, just doing nothing but what ever it is I want to do. Realistically, I know I can’t do that, for a few reasons. The biggest one being if I take the time off I don’t get paid, and that means the bills don’t get paid and that would be terrible. The other being that there’s no way the manager here nor the owner of the company would allow that. I haven’t done anything to earn that option lately. It’d be nice to recharge a little bit, but it’s not in the cards so I have to look for other solutions to my problems.
I could probably use another hobby. I have my cigars, but there’s a limit to how many cigars I can smoke at any given time. There’s a limit to how relaxing they are, especially since most of my smoking sessions now get reduced to taking a puff and then disciplining my dachshunds who really, really love barking. I have video games, but I don’t play online or anything like that, mostly because the people I tend to run into online are douchebags and I don’t have time to deal with that kind of nonsense. I could learn a musical instrument, get back to learning the guitar, but then that would require me getting a guitar and paying for lessons. Which requires money… money is something that I never have enough of.
I’ve also considered rebooting my wardrobe, as it were. I know I tend to feel a little better about myself when I feel I’m well dressed. Still, getting that done also requires money… which again, I never have enough of. I’ve been losing weight, and making an active effort to do so. Limiting my soda intake, eating less, and doing more in the way of exercising. I’ve lost some weight, but who knows when my inner procrastinator is going to come out again and put the brakes on that. I could start reading and writing again, but then I don’t know when I’d find time to do that. Between work and school, I don’t have time for a lot of things. Maybe I need to reduce my workload on myself. I’d have wasted a lot of money to go to school if I don’t finish my degree, but you know maybe an investment in my mental health is worth more right now.
I’ve also considered switching jobs. Which I’m sure I’ve written about here on several occasions. I like the actual work involved in my job. I hate most of my co-workers though. I get a lot of exercise rolling my eyes, because they’re incredibly immature, unprofessional, and frankly… annoying. It’s also frustrating when people decide to change the music I have playing from classical music to Jay-Z. There’s a reason I play classical music, it’s because it’s inoffensive and classy, two words I would not use to describe Jay-Z. Between, the childish exchanges about whatever it is they talk about and the invasion of my personal space… it’s difficult for me to want to come into work most days. Even more so when I have something at home I’d rather be doing.
At this moment, I have no answers. I’ve been mulling the questions in my head for awhile. I’ve come up with some barely baked ideas, but nothing that I see as realistic. I can’t just quit my job, I have responsibilities. There’s a lot of hobbies out there I’d like to try, but I can’t afford them. I try to make friends, but people have lives that they have to stick with. I’m usually an afterthought. I should be used to this by now, I mean it was similar back in Pittsburgh before I moved, but at least there I had family I could spend time with. I don’t have that here. Don’t get me wrong, I like Tasha’s family well enough, but they’re not my family. There are things I can say to members of my family that I can’t say to her family. I guess I still feel like an outsider here, and part of that is my fault… it always is at least partially my fault. I still don’t have the answers… I don’t know if I ever will. I need to step back at some point and really make a good go of it. If I try the worst I can do is find a way that doesn’t work. Nothing wrong with that. I’m sure Edison failed a bunch of times when he stole Tesla’s work.
Anyway, that’s enough whining from me right now. Have a good day everyone.